Smiley’s Well-Deserved Vacation rolls on. While he’s out, here are some stories from past columns:

Have a ball

Buddy Abraham says his granddaughter Elizabeth Armstrong, 5, has started playing on a T-ball team:

“After her first practice, when asked how it went, she said she played first base but sure didn’t like it.

“When pressed for the reason, she said all she did was stand on the base and her teammates threw balls at her.”

Where’s the beef?

T. Med Hogg says a city lady visiting a farm asked the farmer, “Why doesn’t that cow have any horns?”

The farmer replied that there were several things that would cause that — it could be a hornless breed, or the horns might have been lost in a fight, or the owner might have cut the horns off for safety reasons.

“However, the reason THAT cow does not have any horns is because it is a horse.”

Breakfast of champions

Rose M. Rolfsen says a few years ago her family (numbering 30 or so) rented several condos in Florida for a week.

One morning, she says, “I thought I would surprise them with biscuits from McDonald’s.

“I walked in and asked for 30 plain biscuits and 30 sausage biscuits. The young lady asked, ‘Is that to eat here or to go?’

“I must have looked hungry!”

The heeling arts

Pat Phillips tells of the guy who found in an old coat pocket a receipt for a pair of shoes he had left at the repair shop five years earlier.

Thinking he would have a little fun, he brought the receipt to the shop.

The clerk took it, went to the back of the store, then returned and announced: “They will be ready Tuesday.”

Which reminds me

This is a true story:

Years ago, Tommy Gibbens of WAFB-TV called his buddy, printer Pike Burden, asking about an order for the station.

Pike assured him it was almost ready.

The gag was that Tommy hadn’t placed any order.

Every few days Tommy would call Pike and ask about his order, getting progressively more upset. Pike would tell him the same thing — it was just about ready.

Finally Tommy called and yelled at Pike, “If I don’t get that order today I’m going to another printer!”

To that Pike calmly replied, “It’s on the truck!”

Father knows best

Fred Larson tells this story:

A man coming out of church stopped and asked the priest, “Father, is it a sin to play golf on Sundays?”

The priest replied, “I’ve seen you play, and I think it’s a sin for you to play golf any day of the week.”

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