Until Smiley returns from his Well-Deserved Vacation, some items from past columns.

Catty caddies

Ralph Campbell says these caddie jokes that should amuse golfers (or not, depending on how serious they are about their game.)

Here’s one:

Golfer: “I think I’m going to drown myself in the lake.”

Caddie: “Think you can keep your head down that long?”

Here’s another:

Golfer: “You’ve got to be the worst caddie in the world.”

Caddie: “I don’t think so, sir. That would be too much of a coincidence.”

And this one was named the No. 1 caddie joke:

Golfer: “That can’t be my ball, it’s too old.”

Caddie: “It’s been a long time since we teed off, sir.”

Now that’s slow!

Mike Fleniken was taken aback to hear a local news anchor announce the other night, “Traffic on the new bridge is moving at a standstill …e_SDRq

A doggone shame

John Torbert recalls a classic pun: “Years ago the late Roland Daigre told about a major city in Germany having a problem with an exploding population of dogs.

“He said the situation got so bad a special Commission for Dog Control was formed.

“A factory owner called in to report that dogs had invaded his business.

“‘You must send help,’ he said. ‘The mills are alive with the hounds of Munich.’”

Vanishing act

Jack Terry, of Morgan City, tells about a magician who worked on a cruise ship.

The audience was different each week, so he did the same tricks over and over.

But the captain’s parrot saw all the shows and figured out the tricks. During the show he would shout, “Look, it’s not the same hat!” or “He’s hiding the flowers under the table!” or “Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?”

The magician was furious but helpless, because it was the captain’s parrot.

Then a fierce storm sank the ship, and the magician and the parrot wound up on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea.

The parrot was quiet for days. Finally he said, “OK, I give up. Where’s the ship?”

Entrance exam

Richard Guidry, of Zachary, tells of the Sunday school teacher who asked her class, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?”

“No!” the children all answered.

“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?”

Again, the answer was “No!”

“Well, then how can I get to heaven?”

In the back of the room, a 5-year-old boy shouted, “You gotta be dead!”

Write Smiley at Smiley@theadvocate.com. He can also be reached by fax at (225) 388-0351 or mail at P.O. Box 588, Baton Rouge, LA 70821.