I don’t want to be an alarmist, but HUGE RAPTORS ARE SWOOPING DOWN FROM THE SKIES TO ATTACK HELPLESS HUMANS!

After I mentioned a lady who survived two owl attacks, Rob Carpenter told a chilling tale of hawk invasion.

He had left the back door open in his LSU-area home for his two retrievers, and was sitting down to a bowl of corn flakes “when I looked up and saw something large flying right at me. I hit the deck, as my two dogs charged into the house in hot pursuit.

“The hawk flew into a bathroom, spotted a window, hit it and went down. I got the dogs out and got on the phone. Wildlife & Fisheries referred me to someone in Hammond authorized to get the bird out (hawks are a protected species).

“Not wanting to wait for a hawk catcher, I opened the bathroom door and closed all doors except the front and back doors. I went outside and retrieved a large white foam board, holding it up to cover his view of the outdoors from the bathroom window.

“It must have startled him, because I went back into the house and he was gone.”

Rob says after this ordeal, while swimming at the Y, “I observed a cloud formation that looked just like a giant bird with wings extended.”

Damp funny tale

Anne McGuire has another story about the late http://www.legis.la.gov/Legis/ViewDocument.aspx?d=915687http://theadvocate.com/home/10108931-123/livingston-proposal-calls-for-stricthttp://theadvocate.com/news/weeklies/10252902-123/gravel-pit-concerns-go-beyondhttp://theadvocate.com/news/10369795-123/livingston-council-delays-gravel-pithttps://twitter.com/HeidiRKinchenhttp://theadvocate.com/news/acadiana/10358456-123/smiley-hymn-to-king-davyhttp://theadvocate.com/news/10409321-123/guns-and-biscuits-port-allen">Tex Carpenter, WAFB’s weatherman:

“He began his weather segment one night with, ‘Well, it’s raining all over the Southeastern Conference.’”

Cemetery commerce

Marie-Jeanne Trauth, of New Orleans, says, “The item about All Saints Day and the http://theadvocate.com/news/acadiana/10358456-123/smiley-hymn-to-king-davyhttp://theadvocate.com/news/acadiana/10298481-123/smiley-up-up-and-awayhttps://twitter.com/IanMcNultyNOLAhttps://twitter.com/spagonesadvocathttp://www.theneworleansadvocate.com/news/applatestnews/10411664-171/destrehan-teacher-arrested-for-allegedhttp://theadvocate.com/news/acadiana/10358456-123/smiley-hymn-to-king-davy">St. Roch Cemetery brought back many memories.

“Most of my maternal family is buried there, so I always knew where I’d be on Nov. 1.

“My grandmother, an expert needle woman, used to take care of the altar linens for her parish church, making repairs and creating new ones.

“In return the priest gave her the empty glass containers from used votive candles. She would clean them and paint inside the glass — the Sacred Heart, the Blessed Mother, etc.

“On All Saints Day, she set up a table outside the main gate. One of my older cousins set up outside Gate No. 2. They sold the vases to those who needed them for the graves.

“The younger cousins roamed through both areas, carrying trays of Christmas corsages that Grandma made from ribbons, paper flowers and foil. The quarter we earned for each one sold made a nice addition to our pockets.”

Hot and cold

Marie-Jeanne adds, “Can you stand one more ‘Yat-ism’?

“You know you’re a Yat of a certain age if you remember going to the Time Saver in the late ’50s or early ’60s and asking the clerk, ‘Where’s the hot cold drinks?’

“If you need an explanation, you’re no Yat!”

Special People Dept.

Alexander Imphang celebrated his 101st birthday on Wednesday, Oct. 1. He retired from the Times-Picayune as art director for Dixie Roto Magazine, and is in a retirement home near Tampa, Florida.

Helen Zumo, of Baton Rouge, celebrated her 90th birthday on Sunday, Sept. 28.

Dimple and Louis Spragio, of Addis, celebrated their 74th anniversary on Tuesday, Sept. 30.

On Thursday, Oct. 2, Carolyn “Punkin” and Michael Landaiche celebrate their 66th anniversary.

Where’s the beef?

Sarah Stravinska, of Chestnut, says, “My most memorable church story was the time my grandmother sat in the pew rummaging in her copious bag and brought forth — a hunk of beef!

“She and Granddaddy left in a hurry. Sure enough, what was roasting slowly in the oven was Grandmommy’s prayer book.”

That’s entertainment

Joe Guilbeau, of Plaquemine, offers this church story:

Little Mary attended church with her family, and took in all the service, including the passing of the collection plate.

As they left the church, the father complained that the sermon was too long, and the mother added that the choir was too loud.

“Wait a minute,” said Mary, “that was a good show for just a dime!”

Write Smiley at Smiley@theadvocate.com. He can also be reached by fax at (225) 388-0351 or mail at P.O. Box 588, Baton Rouge, LA 70821.