Judy S. Collins expands on her “lies my mother told me” list, mentioned earlier.
While these aren’t all lies, they are some VERY familiar pronouncements:
Always wear clean underwear in case you are in an accident.
Carrots make you see better.
Spinach makes you stronger, like Popeye.
Your face will freeze like that.
Don’t swallow watermelon seeds or they will grow in your stomach.
Don’t go outside with a wet head or you’ll catch a cold.
Sitting close to the TV will ruin your eyes.
Some starving kid in China would love to eat your broccoli.
I have eyes in the back of my head.
I can tell when you are lying.
If you are too sick to go to school, you are too sick to play outside.
Don’t try on other peoples’ glasses or you will go blind.
There is enough dirt under your neck to grow potatoes.
Turn the music down or you’ll go deaf.
If you put things back where you found them they wouldn’t be lost.
You have to wait an hour after eating to swim.
You’d forget your head if it wasn’t attached.
If it was a snake it would have bit you.
Don’t run with scissors.
Don’t pick at it, it will get infected.
You need that like a hole in the head.
Don’t put your fingers in your mouth, you don’t know where they’ve been.
Stand up straight or you’ll get a hump in your back.
The cowboy way
“I agree with your readers that men should not wear their hats indoors,” says Richard Fossey.
“But hat-wearing customs are different in Texas.
“Many Texas dance halls have a strict rule against men wearing cowboy hats while they dance.
“A man can wear his cowboy hat while sitting at a table or eating a meal, but if he walks out on the dance floor, he is prohibited from wearing his hat.
“I asked a dance hall waitress once why the rule only applied to men.
“Basically, she said that in the frenzy of dancing the Texas Two-Step or the Cotton-Eyed Joe, people’s cowboy hats often flew off and got trampled by other dancers.
“If the hat belonged to a man, a fistfight often broke out.
“Texas women, however, seldom hit anybody, even if their cowboy hats get stomped, so it is permissible for them to dance with their hats on.
“Makes sense to me.”
Karl Denino comments on mirlitons (vegetable pears) and avocados (alligator pears):
“Being from Donaldsonville, it was always mirliton.
“Some years ago, when Emeril Lagasse was on the Food Network, during his ‘BAM!’ days, he was cooking with mirlitons.
“He said that in Louisiana, they are also called alligator pears, because they hang over the water in the bayous, and the alligators eat them.
“I emailed him, and the Food Network, and told them to look up ‘alligator pear’ in the dictionary, and they would find the word ‘avocado.’
“Never heard from Emeril, or the network.”
A bar remembered
It’s been 36 years since Ellis’ Lounge, on Baton Rouge’s Government Street, closed.
But every year since then, former patrons have been gathering to recall good times.
This year the reunion is on Saturday, Dec. 13, from 1 p.m. to 5 p.m. at The Hawk’s Nest, 3015 Westfork.
The usual events are planned: “Lies, rumor, gossip, innuendo.”
And the usual rules apply: “No arm wrestling, no dangerous pets.”
Just cheese, please
Peggy Duffel Simmons, of New Orleans, says, “The reference to Leon’s Italian Kitchen in Baton Rouge reminded me of my high school days, 57 years ago, at Redemptorist.
“In 1956 and 1957, when you could drive at 16 with a valid license, my two best friends, Emma Jean Roy and Marielise Robin, and I would pool our money and drive after school to Leon’s and share a delicious small cheese pizza.
“We never had enough money for toppings, but I can still remember that fragrant crispy, thin crust and gooey mozzarella cheese. Never duplicated!”
Special People Dept.
- Faune (Mrs. John) Futral, of Port Barre, celebrated her 98th birthday Saturday, Dec. 6.
Elmer Leo Brown celebrated his 93rd birthday Sunday, Dec. 7. He’s a Navy veteran of World War II, who served on the USS Tuscaloosa.
On Monday, Dec. 8, Emelda Modenbach celebrates her 90th birthday.
Agnes Goudeau, of Denham Springs, celebrated her 90th birthday Friday, Dec. 5.
I’m passing along Algie Petrere’s story without comment, for reasons any husband will understand:
A man pacing back and forth glanced at his watch and yelled upstairs to his wife, “Honey, are you ready yet?”
Shouting back, she replies, “For crying out loud, I’ve been telling you for the last half-hour — I’ll be ready in a minute!
Write Smiley at Smiley@theadvocate.com. He can also be reached by fax at (225) 388-0351 or mail at P.O. Box 588, Baton Rouge, LA 70821.