Dear Smiley: Beware of Halloween decorations that come at a price that's too good to be true.
I've bought an inexpensive life-size Halloween display for my front lawn of two witches, a zombie, Dracula and a skeleton.
They are so cheap that my neighbors have stopped walking on our side of the street — because when they did the Dracula would beg for spare change!
LIONEL AUSTIN WILCOX
Dear Smiley: Sorry to hear about your recent accident.
As a true professional, you are back on the job in record time.
However, a couple of questions came to mind:
1. Did you spill your drink when you fell?
2. Was your drinking shoulder injured in the fall?
Dear Harry: I was going to keep this quiet, but since you brought it up, full disclosure demands that I tell you I fell out of bed on Saturday morning, having had only coffee, and broke my right shoulder. And as for Question 2, I'm left-handed.
Mower the merrier
Dear Smiley: This lady, a fan of TV costume dramas, which I see as soap operas set in the 16th Century, kept talking about this duke who has a lady who is his “power mower.”
I’m pretty sure they didn’t have power mowers in the 16th Century.
After a while it became clear that she was saying “paramour.”
Dear Smiley: At this time of year my wife, with three of her painting friends, goes on a trip to the Gulf Coast to paint.
The husband of one of her friends and I (we're both seniors plus) usually makes a joke about having dancing girls over while they're gone.
When I dropped my wife off for the trip, he inquired about the dancing girl arrangements.
I told them that they were the same, but I had some good news. Since they were all on Social Security now, we would get them a little cheaper.
The littlest litigator
Dear Smiley: I think granddaughter Zelda, age 3, may be destined to be a lawyer like her "GG." She's good at negotiating and coming up with creative solutions. Here are two examples:
Her favorite treat when she comes to visit is ice cream. Her parents limit her sugar intake, however, so she feels it necessary to justify her ice cream requests.
Last week she stopped by after a doctor's visit, looking a little peaked. She told her mom, "Ice cream is a big help when you have a problem, and I know GG loves making ice cream cones for me." That worked.
I kept her the next day because she was still sick. When her mom dropped her off, she told Zelda she could have one ice cream cone, any time she wanted it, but just one all day.
Zelda opted to have the ice cream for breakfast. But later that morning she told me, "GG, I think YOU should have a bowl of ice cream…and maybe you could share?"
Nice ploy, but I didn't fall for it.
Dear Smiley: Sent to me from a wise friend:
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.
Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
Dear Smiley: A man and his 10-year-old son, on a fishing trip miles from home, decided to attend the Sunday worship service at a small rural church nearby.
The father realized he had forgotten to bring any cash, so he gave his son a dime to put in the offering plate.
Going to their car after church, the father complained, "The service was too long, the sermon was boring, and the singing was off key."
Finally the boy said, "Daddy, I thought it was pretty good for a dime."