A conversation with my lawmaker:
I am a law-abiding citizen of the United States. I have the right to bear arms, which it kind of says in the Second Amendment of the U.S. Constitution.
So, I want to know why I can’t buy an RPG. In fact, I want to buy five or 10 of them. I have been turned down twice.
You see, me and the fellas want to hit the RPG range — we’re building one — and have some target practice. It will be much like those crazy guys who fire off hundreds of rounds with their AR-15s. But we can only shoot one rocket at time.
Wait, let me explain the acronym RPG. It means rocket-propelled grenade. These things are used for killing tanks. Some people have used them to shoot down helicopters. Look, you can bring down a helicopter with AR-15s, too.
What? You say an RPG has too much firepower and might kill a lot of people? No, you see I am a law-abiding citizen. And so are my friends. We have no intention of killing people. Well, unless we have to take care of some of those invading radical Muslims that Donald Trump talks about.
Dude, you’re not feeling me. I am a law-abiding citizen. The National Rifle Association says the government should protect the rights of citizens like me to get weapons of mass destruction — er, I mean weapons to defend my family and myself.
So what if you haven’t heard many stories of people warding off attackers with AR-15s and RPGs? So what’s the big deal about toddlers being responsible for 20 shootings (some of them fatal) this year? The AR-15s and RPGs are safer because they are too big for toddlers to handle.
Those darn softy Democrats always want some kind of pinko gun control.
I know there have been a lot of mass killings caused by AR-15s and weapons like it. I know, even the crazies know it is really the choice when you have to kill a lot of people quickly. And I know that the guy in Orlando who recently killed 49 people and wounded dozens more with a rifle called a Sig Sauer MCX stirs you all up. It’s sad, but stuff happens.
Besides, the RPG is nothing like that. You have to put the darn thing on your shoulder, fire a round, and then spend time putting another shell in there. Shucks, some RPGs only fire one shell.
I hear some folks want to ban assault-style rifles like the AR-15 now. I say that won’t do any good because people will find weapons. With that logic, you suggest, we should get rid of DWI laws because they don’t eliminate all drunken-driving incidents. And, for that matter, you say, let’s get rid of traffic lights because they don’t get rid of all traffic accidents.
I don’t like your tone, sir.
So what do you say about my request?
I say again, I am a law-abiding citizen with friends who want to take our children out on a weekend and hit targets with our RPGs. It will bring our families closer together for our kids to feel the power and possibilities of an RPG. We’re just trying to raise our children the right way.
We are raising true, tough Americans, not some anti-gun sissies.
By the way, my oldest boy, Joe, cut his teeth on the AR-15. Last week, I saw him sitting on his bed admiring that thing just before finishing his homework. I was so touched.
I’ll admit that the AR-15 does make a statement.
You remember that strange boy who killed 26 people at Sandy Hook Elementary School with an AR-15-style rifle? Police say they found 154 spent casings in a shooting that lasted just five minutes. It’s sad about the deaths, but you have to be impressed with the 154 casings.
Again, sir, I need your help to get an RPG.
Hold on a minute; I see some news bulletin on my cellphone. It says a teenager, about Joe’s age, is holed up in Joe’s school after shooting and killing 28 students and wounding about a dozen more. Man, young people today.
Now, about my RPG?
Email Edward Pratt, a south Louisiana freelance writer, at firstname.lastname@example.org.