HOOVER, Ala. — Southeastern Conference media days begin here Monday, the official unofficial kickoff to the college football season.
There will be tons of talk. Talk about new starters, the SEC championship chase, the College Football Playoff, player discipline, boxers or briefs — you name it.
There will be some things we won’t hear but wish we would. Here’s a selection of the non-greatest hits:
SEC Commissioner Greg Sankey: “We’re moving the SEC headquarters out of Birmingham. Too close to Alabama’s campus for everyone’s comfort. Going to Nashville. I love that honky tonk music scene. We’re also doing away with permanent cross-divisional opponents, and we’re moving Missouri to the SEC West and Auburn to the SEC East where they both belong.”
Auburn coach Gus Malzahn: “See? I told you so.”
CFP Executive Director Bill Hancock: “We’re moving this year’s CFP semifinals to New Year’s Day, where they belong. What were we thinking?”
Florida coach Jim McElwain: “Now that Steve Spurrier is retired, we’re exercising his one last year of eligibility and are going to make him our starting quarterback. Yeah, he’s in his 70s, but he has to be better than anyone we have on the roster now.”
Vanderbilt coach Derek Mason: “All the other coaches here this week have to win a championship or risk getting fired. I just have to make a bowl game, sometime, and I’m good. Suckers.”
SEC coordinator of officials Steve Shaw: “Hey, LSU fans, we’re making Tom Ritter one of the replay officials on ALL your games!”
Texas A&M coach Kevin Sumlin: “As I’m about to be deposed in the John Chavis case, I’m saying nothing about nothing. Other than the fact that I miss Johnny Manziel. A lot.”
Mississippi State coach Dan Mullen: “A lot of you media jackals are going to hammer me for letting Jeffery Simmons be on our team after being recorded punching a woman. To that I say, have you seen people we have to play in the SEC West? Hello? No Dak Prescott this year. Big problem talent-wise in Starkville, understand? I’m dropping the mic.”
Georgia coach Kirby Smart: “No, I didn’t bring Nick Chubb to media days. He got hurt last season, you know. He’s currently encased in bubble wrap in the guest room of my house, and that’s where he’s staying until September.”
Tennessee coach Butch Jones: “Pressure? What pressure? What are you talking about? I need a decaf?!?”
Alabama coach Nick Saban: “Today I am announcing a significant donation to Monroe district attorney Jerry Jones’ next campaign.”
Arkansas coach Bret Bielema: “You thought I hated Michigan when I was at Wisconsin. I really hate them now after they canceled that home and home on us to play Notre Dame.” (Editor’s note: Bielema may actually say this).
Kentucky coach Mark Stoops: “No, I don’t know John Calipari’s favorite Italian dish. I’ve had it up to here with basketball questions. It’s football season, dang it!”
Missouri coach Barry Odom: “I wish the SEC would say, ‘Go West, young man. Or, ‘Go back to the Big 12.’ ”
LSU coach Les Miles: “We’re throwing the ball 40 times a game this season. Book it. Or I’m eating my hat.”
LSU running back Leonard Fournette: “I just knocked over Ole Miss defensive tackle D.J. Jones in the lobby to get back in practice for running over defenders during the regular season.”
Ole Miss coach Hugh Freeze: “When I told people to call our compliance office if they knew of any recruiting violations concerning our program, I didn’t mean it. Geez.”
South Carolina coach Will Muschamp: “I learned a lot as head coach at Florida — namely, you’ve got to win more games to keep your job. Not that we’re going to do much winning this season.”