Did you hear about that thing over in Texas?
No, not the one about the armadillo on the side of the road. Please. We’ve heard that one every day for the past 175 years.
Get this: The Baylor football program came up with one doozy of a promotion for the Fourth of July.
Those crazy Bears — who actually had a winning record last season, for the first time since 1994 — decided to set season-ticket prices according to the high temperature in Waco on the Fourth of July.
It topped out at 101, so now, non-premium season tickets are going for $101.
Baylor has seven home games this fall, including dates against TCU, Oklahoma and Texas. So if you’re a football fan, this seems like a pretty good deal. And if you’re living in Waco, you’re probably bored, so it seems like a really, really good deal.
Anyway, this kind of creativity is what’s missing from major sports. We need smart, worthwhile promotions. Why can’t everyone else take a cue?
- TNT could give away a free T-shirt, mug and bobblehead every time the great Charles Barkley utters the word “turrible.”
It’d make the NBA worth watching again.
- The Houston Astros could promise to win at least one game between now and the next presidential election. If not, everyone gets into a Sunday afternoon game for free.
Sure, some people might still stay away from Minute Maid Park. But hey, it’s worth a try.
- Jimmy Johnson could breathe new life into Fox’s NFL pregame show this season with a simple sweepstakes: One lucky winner gets a week on Johnson’s private South Florida yacht for every minute he’s on camera with a hair out of place.
That only happens about once per year, so you’ll have to tune in for every riveting minute. Ratings would soar!
- Toronto Blue Jays fans get a free plate of nachos every time Jon Rauch, their heavily inked, tirade-throwing reliever, appears peaceful and happy-go-lucky.
This one’s a long shot, but you never know.
- Now that the Washington Nationals at least have a pulse, they’ll offer to play one three-game series each year back in Montreal, complete with Expos uniforms and everything.
Hey, Major League Baseball took over the franchise, crushed the souls of long-suffering Quebecois and conned Washington into spending $611 million in public money for a new park. And still, no one shows up. How is that any better than a weekend at Olympic Stadium?
- The NFL and its players could stop the madness, end this ridiculous lockout and make a few promises: Fewer preseason games, fewer TV timeouts, fewer $30 parking spaces, fewer photos of Al Davis, fewer sound bytes from Jerry Jones and fewer games involving the Cincinnati Bengals.
And no more Chad Ochocinco. We can all dream, can’t we?