Dear Smiley: My son and I went to a Masters practice round several years ago. We were watching several pros putting. One of them was Payne Stewart, who wore slacks during practice rounds instead of the knickers (aka knickerbockers) he wore in tournaments.
The husband of a lady standing near us pointed out to her that the golfer in front of us was Payne Stewart.
She said, “Oh, I didn’t recognize him with his pants on.”
Payne looked up, grinned, and said, “Excuse me, ma’am?”
Wait for Perry
Dear Smiley: My husband's Grandma Daisy loved the original "Perry Mason" series, and watched reruns whenever she could in the 1960s and '70s.
Before sitting down to witness Hamilton Burger lose yet another case to Perry, she'd take the phone off the hook so no one could interrupt her viewing.
Only, Daisy had a party line, so anyone sharing the line had to wait until the show was over to use the phone.
Kansas City, Missouri
No peas for you!
Dear Smiley: (About the Friday story on "mushy peas" in England.) The UK is firmly divided in their thoughts on mushy peas.
In the Bradfordshire area of England, if you order fish and chips you will get mushy peas. And in many places you can choose either mushy peas or regular peas.
But at a popular pub in Aberdeen, Scotland, I ordered my fish and chips "with mushy peas, please."
The waitress, in a very loud voice — loud enough for the whole pub (and a rather packed one at lunch) to hear, said, “Mushy peas! Mushy peas? You’ll have to go to England to get mushy peas!”
Dear Larry: So you're saying folks who eat haggis are picky about peas?
Them there eyes
Dear Smiley: My wife’s grandson, Greyson, was about 5 and spending some time with us.
He was becoming a picky eater, and at one meal I began to tease him about not eating.
I told him if he didn’t eat his meal I would give him “a nice Hawaiian punch.”
He responded by saying, “Pop, don’t make me give you them eyes!”
Now explain to me, where does a 5-year-old get the “evil eye” adage?
Dear Tony: As a husband and recipient of "The Look" from my spouse, I'd suspect his mom first.
Dear Smiley: When my husband, an Army major at the time, was an ROTC instructor at the University of New Hampshire, he would tell the cadets, who had never heard of grits, that "grit balls" grew on trees.
When teaching military history, he introduced them to “The Wohwa of Nawthun Aggression,” aka the Civil War.
In the dark
Dear Smiley: Your recent news clippings about the Y2K problem (as the year 2000 arrived) reminded me of the history professor who professed that the Dark Ages were caused by the Y1K problem.
Dear Smiley: I saw a bumper sticker on a woman's car the other day: "Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep."
Dear Smiley: When TV first came out, a family here couldn't afford to buy a set. But the father realized that if his household gathered at the right spot, they could watch the broadcast through the window at the neighbor's house.
So every night his family looked through the window at 7 p.m. to enjoy the "rasslin' matches," the popular entertainment of the day.
This went on for three months, until the first family realized that the second family didn't have a TV set either.
Dear Harry: OK, so it's an old gag I've probably run several times before. But it still makes me chortle …
Dear Smiley: When my friend Teenie's daughter, Mary, was in second grade, she hated wearing a coat to school.
One day as she wrestled Mary into her coat, Teenie said, "You have to wear this. The wind chill is 38!"
As Teenie drove a disgruntled Mary to school, a little voice came from the back seat: "Well, who cares about your old windshield anyway?"