I've received a number of monkey stories since the subject was first mentioned, and none of them end well — for the monkeys or the persons involved with them.

For instance, Mary H. Manhein says, "When I was a little girl of 7 or 8 in southwest Arkansas, my father came home one day with a monkey and a large bag of nuts, and minus his watch and leather jacket, which he had traded for Susie.

"Susie drew lots of attention from the local miscreants and was skilled at escaping her chain in the chicken yard.

"She even ended up one day inside our house, putting on makeup at my mother’s dresser while my new baby brother slept nearby.

"We watched from outside the window as she smeared lipstick all over herself and the mirror, never going near little Kevin.

"Our father had to be called home from work to get her out of the house (he was the only one not afraid of her).

"Soon thereafter, her last escape included the destruction of the seats in someone’s truck, followed by a frantic phone call to the local sheriff from a terrified female citizen."

Mary says the local fire department chased her, and she passed away during that event.

And Mary adds, "Though I taught about primates for many years at LSU, Susie remains the one nearest to my heart."

Double your fun

Former Kaplan resident Jules Leger's monkey story:

"In 1961 or ’62, our neighbor in Kaplan's male monkey escaped and ravaged the neighborhood.

"He would break into chicken coops and pluck 'les poulettes.' The authorities sent dogs after the macaque, but he would tear them up.

"So they got a female monkey to attract the male. The male set the female free, and Kaplan had two monkeys ravaging the town's poultry population.

"l cannot remember how this was resolved; if anyone does, please let Smiley know."

Golden opportunity

Charlotte Balfour, of Baton Rouge, says Dixie Beer's new name should be "Black Gold."

She says it would refer both to the Saints' colors and the state's oil industry, and “could really be 'black gold’ ” to Saints and Dixie owner Gayle Benson.

Take a breath

Greg Thompson, of Baton Rouge, comments on the item maintaining that wearing a mask stops bad breath in addition to protecting us from the coronavirus.

"The other day my lovely wife made a wonderful Italian dish spiced with garlic, onions and numerous other seasonings. Afterwards, when I placed my mask on at the store, I noticed an incredibly pungent odor.

"Not only does the mask protect others from COVID, but also from a whiff of the various delicacies we have recently enjoyed. I believe, after the virus scare is over, mask manufacturers may be able to market their products as ‘self-breath testers.’ ”

Special People Dept.

  • Joe Arbour, of the Louisiana War Veterans Home in Jackson, celebrates his 96th birthday Thursday, July 9. He was the photographer at the ExxonMobil refinery in Baton Rouge for many years. He is a Navy veteran of World War II.
  • John L. "Coach" Zeno, of Baton Rouge, celebrates his 90th birthday Thursday, July 9. He coached all sports for 27 years in Simmesport, St. Gabriel and Baton Rouge, but his specialty was basketball. An avid fisherman, he designed many baits. He owned W-Z Sporting Goods.
  • Bobby and Nancy Wales, of Kentwood, celebrate their 54th anniversary Thursday, July 9.
  • Gary and Blaine Elbourne, of Baton Rouge, celebrated their 53rd anniversary Tuesday, July 7, "by staying at home."

The "non-fan" ploy

Ronnie Stutes, of Baton Rouge, a New Orleans Saints season ticket holder, read with trepidation the news that the Saints would possibly limit fan attendance at games due to the coronavirus.

But the word "fan" gave him an idea for a devious way around the restrictions:

"I notice that it's only 'fans' that will be excluded. If that's the case, I have a plan. I intend to show up at the gate and tell them, ‘I don't really care much about football.’ ”

Write Smiley at Smiley@theadvocate.com. He can also be reached by mail at P.O. Box 588, Baton Rouge, LA 70821. Follow Smiley Anders on Twitter, @SmileyAndersAdv.