Dear Smiley: The squirrel stories your readers have been sharing remind me of the time my wife, Lisa, put a stuffed animal, a rabbit, in a pot on the stove.
She was trying to scare me, thinking of Glenn Close in the movie "Fatal Attraction."
To her surprise, I thought she wanted me to cook a rabbit for supper.
Dear Smiley: Coming home from his first day of school, my grandson Jake, 9, was asked by his mother, "How was your day at school?"
He replied, "I have a girlfriend."
His mother said, "Jake, you are going to school to learn, not to find a girlfriend."
On the second day, his mother asked him again, "How was your day at school?"
He replied, "I could not tell the difference."
His mother looked at him with an expression of confusion.
As it turned out, Jake's new-found friend has an identical twin!
Dear Smiley: The "body builder" mentioned in your column, who took an unexpected safety shower at the chemical plant (after being told the shower handle was rusted shut and inoperable) may have been involved in this incident.
A friend worked in the maintenance department at one of the local chemical plants. One of the workers came in and said he had a flat on the plant's golf cart.
My friend got the portable air tank, filled it and told him, "That's 100 pounds; that should get you in to here," the worker grabbed the tank, lifted it up and down, and said, "Uh-uh, I lift weights; that's not 100 pounds."
Seeds of success
Dear Smiley: A helpful hint for the bird feeding contributors having trouble with squirrels.
Use safflower seeds. Squirrels don't eat them, at least not in Brusly. No greased pole required.
Dear Smiley: I spend hours on my patio (named "St. Somewhere") watching the birds and the squirrels. I have come to two conclusions.
First, squirrels plan for the future better than most other critters. They plant acorns (I don’t know where they get them; probably Amazon, because they don’t come from my yard) all over my yard, so they will have acorn producing trees in the future.
But to their dismay, I either mow them down or dig them up in the spring.
The second conclusion is that squirrels like a challenge. I feed the birds on a bench, so access is easy for any and everything. The squirrels think it is TOO easy, and they go to more challenging feeders for their food.
Dear Smiley: Speaking of squirrels, when my granddaughter, Jennifer Landry, attended the LSU-Syracuse football game, a flying squirrel appeared from somewhere up above and landed on her head, then scurried away!
People around her had a good laugh.
SYDNEY BELLE GRIFFIN
Dear Smiley: As I'm preparing to pay my bills, mostly the old-fashioned way — with snail mail and stamps — I have to share a neat note from Patricia Mitchell's hilarious booklet, "I Know I Came In Here For Something ..."
A friend trying to cheer up a cranky oldster suggested he might try being thankful for all his blessings.
"Me?" he sniffed. "What have I to be thankful for? I can't even pay my bills."
The friend said, "Well, you can be very thankful indeed that you aren't one of your creditors!"
THOSE are winners?
Dear Smiley: I know you like puns. You should get Dan Shea and Peter Kovacs to send you to cover the United Kingdom Pun Championships. Some of the winners:
—It wasn't much fun having a broken neck, but now I can look back and laugh.
—My friends at the gun club often go to the cheese shop just to shoot the bries.
—I know someone who is obsessed with completing his Beatles collection. He needs Help.
—I was supposed to be chauffeuring a female vicar, but I drove pastor.
Dear Marvin: Using those examples, I not only couldn't get sent to the UK, I doubt if they would finance a trip to Back Brusly.