From President Donald J. Trump (not really)
Dear Transgender Sgt. Bob:
Your kind is not wanted in the United States military anymore. I know you might be hurt by this because you and your friends have been willing to lay down your lives for this country. But that’s the way it goes, Bob.
I don’t care about your heroism. More importantly, there are some groups out there that I am beholden to that just don’t like your kind. Didn’t you use to be Gina? That transgender thing is difficult for their religion to stomach.
And, they say that too many of your kind are using taxpayer money to pay for your gender reassignment operations. Why can’t you people just be how you were born?
Yes, I’ve heard some of you say that the military pays more for Viagra, $41.6 million, than for your health needs, between $2.4 million and $8.4 million. You know, Bob, that it’s hard not to have Viagra.
I’ve seen those dirty assertions that the government has spent millions and millions more on my hurrying to my hotels on the weekends to play golf than for your health stuff. Look, I am president of the United States, and I need that time far more than that last guy. You do know he wasn’t born here?
Please calm down your transgender friend, Kristen Beck. Just because she is a retired SEAL Team 6 member and because she earned a Bronze Star, Purple Heart and a Meritorious Service Medal, she doesn’t have the right to threaten me with, “Let’s meet face to face and you tell me I’m not worthy.”
Beck, and other transgenders like her, make it difficult for folks like me to know should I grab them by the you-know-what, or not.
You transgenders should understand that “my generals” feel that it would be too disruptive for you to be on the battlefield or in training. It doesn’t matter if some of you have already died fighting for this country.
Big deal. I could have been the greatest American soldier of all times if I hadn’t had to get those four deferments. That and those bone spurs robbed me of my medals.
Just be quiet and go away. Look, we allowed gays to be in the military and that is about as far as we should have gone.
So, see you around. We don’t need your kind’s bravery anymore and pass that onto that SEAL broad. Geez, have you looked at her?
Donald J. Trump
Already the Greatest President of All Time
Dear Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III: (Again, not really)
What’s up, my man? Well, you used to be. Look, Jeff, I’ll get right to the point. The recent tweets where I have been harassing and belittling you, please don’t be confused. I meant all of it.
For some reason, you felt the need to follow the law when you recused yourself from the Russia case. Are you nuts? Look, there was never a need to obey the law. That’s for other people. You are obligated to me? I thought you understood that. You must be bigly loyal to me and me only.
I know you stuck your neck out for me early in the campaign when you endorsed me. That was great. But you know the rules. You are loyal to me, always. Me, loyal to you, not so much.
When I named you Attorney General, we were on our way to turning back the clock on a lot of civil rights gains in the country just like you did when you were a U.S. attorney in Alabama.
We were going to do this bigly law-and-order thing where we were going to lock up as many poor and minority offenders as we could, for a long time. Those privately run prisons were going to meet their profit margins.
And, we were going to nibble away at those voting rights. You are the Michael Jordan of that. But, you got caught up in this follow-the-law thing. It’s about allegiance to me, Jeff. Me!
Look, don’t you see how so many of the Republican senators and representatives have folded their core values to dance to whatever beat I play? Jeff, I know you have noticed how all of the folks who used to wrap themselves in the American flag are okay with me hanging with the Russians. They even approve of my bromance with my main man Vladimir.
Jeff, that God and country baloney is so passé. It’s God and Trump. Or is it the other way around?
Anyway, I can’t have someone with mixed allegiances. Please quit, Jeff, or I’ll continue to belittle you in Twitter world.
Jeff, you are now my example to whoever replaces you that they will have to bow to my wishes, no matter what, to keep the attorney general’s position. I know you were fond of saying “law and order.” Actually, it’s the law and whatever I order you to do with it.
Okay, Jeff, it’s time for you to head back to Nick Saban country. Maybe I ought to make him secretary of defense.
Jeff, this will be my next tweet. “Please quit Jeff, you teensy-weensy, indecisive moron.” #Sad
Donald J. Trump
Already the Greatest President of All Time.
Email Edward Pratt, a south Louisiana freelance writer, at firstname.lastname@example.org.