Special sections editor Missy Wilkinson has done an excellent job of providing comprehensive holiday gift guides in Gambit and CUE. But what if you want to give the gift of personal confidence?
As we near the end of the year that ushered in the trend of pubic blingification — notably in the form of Vaggazling (sort of NSFW) — comes another product/gross portmanteau: Tajazzle, the “three-step system that’s the ultimate in personal confidence.” I know you're probably asking: isn't Tajazzle just three items you’d find in a 2001 Frederick’s of Hollywood gift set for about $20 less? No, Tajazzle is more than just glorified deodorant made from “the finest natural ingredients,” roll-on flavored body oil and stick-on rhinestone body tattoos that were probably a top-seller at Claire’s Accessories a decade ago — Tajazzle is the secret to personal confidence. Don’t believe me? Take it away, Eastern European porn actresses and some creepy-looking dudes:
Yes, the commercial is nearly 15 minutes long. But it’s a glorious 15 minutes complete with acting that’s tantamount to late-night phone sex hotline commercials, lines like "I put it on my kissable areas to be delightfully delicious" and background music from '80s drivers’ ed videos. Still, if you don’t feel like spending the time or have a tendency toward second-hand embarrassment, here are some of the infomercial’s highlights:
• The infomercial claims the “genuine crystal body tattoos” will add “bling in your fling” and provide confidence while doing things that normal hot people do, like go to creepy single bars, hang out at the beach, and go to the gym. Because nothing inspires confidence like a stick-on tattoo made with cheap crystals shoved under your spandex gym shorts.
• There’s some great quotes including: "If you wanna get a chance to see my tajazzle, you better treat me right," “Imagine your confidence when you know you have a sparkling surprise waiting for someone," "On my wedding night, I surprised my husband with a crystal heart. When he saw it sparkling in the moonlight, he went wild!" and "Today, I taste like honey. Tomorrow ... I'll surprise you."
• Around the 5:09 mark, there’s some really weird non-kissing, sort of reminiscent of Jenna and Paul's relationship on 30 Rock.
• Men can Tajazzle, too! Some guy with scary eyebrows says "the flavors drive his wife wild."
• The infomercial boasts a “no questions asked money-back guarantee.” That makes sense, because if someone wants to return their used vaginal tattoos and edible body oil, I probably wouldn’t want to ask any questions, either. Ew.
You can own this trio of already-existing products that, when combined, create the ultimate personal confidence booster for only $59.95 (or, order it online, where it only costs $39.95, for some reason). That may seem expensive, but the gift of personal confidence is priceless.