Highly suspect "surveys" with sensationalistic names are what make the Internet go 'round (well, that and cat videos), so here we go ...

New Orleans, which was named #1 in penis size in a February survey by a condom company, will be crestfallen and limp to discover it is only #46 on Men's Health's list of America's Top 100 "Hotbeds of Sex" in the magazine's October issue. (The deeply scientific criteria used to calculate this list, according to Men's Health, involve some complicated Pythagorean calculation based on a city's condom sales; birth rates; sex toy sales; and rate of sexually transmitted diseases.)

The hotbeds that are hotter and beddier than we are include Austin, Texas (1), Dallas (2), Columbus, Ohio (3), Durham, N.C. (4), Denver (5), Indianapolis, Ind. (6), Arlington, Texas (7), Oklahoma City, Okla. (8), Bakersfield, Calif. (9) and Houston (10). New Orleans was topped by Phoenix (45) and just barely beat out erotic destinations like Lincoln, Neb. (47). Bringing up the tail end of the list? Portland, Maine (100).

OK, first of all: four cities in Texas in the Top 10? Four? Once we've dealt with that blow to our civic ego, take a look at #9 there. We're getting it less than Bakersfield. At least we're bigger in other ways.

The list — along with some truly bargain-basement stock photos of people being romantic — can be found at Men's Health's "Metrogrades" site.