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Krewe d'Etat parade bulletin, March 1, 2019

Aux armes, citoyens! The Revolution is upon us once again as Le Krewe d’État proudly rolls out its annual procession of satire and sarcasm. Herewith, is our Bulletin to augment your enjoyment of our rolling tableau of fools and their foibles.

1. THE DICTATOR - The Dictator. All Hail the All Seeing Visionary Leader of Le Krewe d'Etat's Revolution. He and his legions will take control of the streets of the Crescent City on the Friday before Mardi Gras. In keeping with the traditions of Carnival secrecy, the identity of Richard XXIII is never publicly revealed. Should anyone be so foolish as to reveal it, he will be subject to a punishment of which no man has ever been seen again after. As to the identity of previous Dictators, all you need know is that there is only one fate for an ex Dic; it is too dreaded to speak of.

DICTATOR’S BANANA WAGON - Return to days of yore, when debutantes gathered on Maple Street for one of the most anticipated social events of the season — the Babbling Bastards of Bruno's, a time-honored Carnival organization famed for its parade and "ball." Using banana wagons for floats (Louisiana is a banana republic, after all), the fair maidens and their escorts, drinks in hand, paraded through the University neighborhood, showering onlookers with BB baubles and kisses. D'Etat salutes that bygone era with the return of the Dictator's Banana Wagon.

2. TITLE – PAGING DR. D’ETAT – The good doctor will see you now. After a trying year of non-stop local and national political battles, embarrassing White House tweets, and inept referees’ no-calls, Krewe d’Etat has paged the world-renowned, satirical genius, Dr. d’Etat, to cure our country of its multiple ailments. Relax...this won’t hurt a bit. Well, except for patients needing a full medical examination. To those, Dr. d’Etat says, “drop your trousers and bend over.” d’Etat’s prescription for parade goers: sit back, enjoy the satire, take two dozen floats, and don’t even think about calling us in the morning.

HIGH PRIEST CANDY WAGON– Le Krewe d'Etat has something old and new this week in the shape of the old Roman Candy wagon often seen in the streets of uptown. The mysterious High Priest insisted on the inclusion of a Candy Wagon in the parade to satisfy his sweet tooth. If you are lucky you may catch a piece of taffy in addition to some special Candy Wagon throws.

3. HIGH PRIEST - The spiritual leader of our Krewe rarely appears in public, but when summoned through the proper incantations, the High Priest brings with him legions of Carnival specters, who inhabit the souls of those on our route for the duration of the procession, whipping them into frenzied dervishes who contort, dance and imbibe in wild style during the manifestation. The High Priest will vanish as suddenly as he incarnates, though; so, cherish the fleeting moments you have under his spell, as you will never again in this life be as free as when our Spirits move you.

4. CAT SCRATCH FEVER – The Dictator is highly amused by this latest round of catfights between the big three super feminista krewes. Is Muses the best and biggest? Nyx, the Greek goddess of the night? Or maybe Iris, the grandma of them all? On its website, Nyx proclaims it “has raised the bar for parades everywhere,” thereby making it the supreme all female super-krewe. The Dic says forget raising the bar, all three should go to a tequila bar and quit worrying about top billing. Like who gives a shot?

5. ATHLETE’S FOOT - Sacrifice Everything! (As long as Nike funds it). Dr. d’Etat treated far too many chronically annoying cases of Athlete’s Foot this year, all emanating from the ongoing NFL player protests. Calling for an end to this ugly epidemic of podiatric phungus amongus, the Dictator here exposes the histrionic Virtue Signalers at the center of this regrettable epidemic. Starting with the great Colin K, sacrificing his flagging career for a lucrative endorsement contract, and the “woke” shoe company that paid him to boost its image as a socially conscious corporation (that still outsources its shoe manufacturing to Singaporean sweatshops), the Dictator’s favorite flaming float of the year petitions for the departure of the bucolic yokels with barbecue pits full of Nikes, and the suburban mayor who tried to ride their coattails and secure their votes with a failed citywide ban of the swooshed shoes. May 2019 bring an end to this burning sensation!

6. PROSTATE EXAM – Wow, talk about a "black hole"... We have absolutely no idea what might be lurking deep in the bowels of the Russia investigation, but we are certain it ain't pretty. Mueller is up to his elbow in the examination, which, thus far, has taken more twists and turns than a lower intestine and emitted way more stench. In the end, where there is this much stink, there might also be a "You're fired!"

7. GENETIC TESTING – Dr. d’Etat’s reveals results from the 23andMe do-it-yourself DNA testing kits. While Elizabeth Warren’s results proudly boast the .6 percent Native American heritage of “Senator Pocahontas,” others would prefer to bury Dr. d’Etat’s chromosomal research. As for the genetic makeup of Krewe d’Etat? That’s always been well-known by the public: 100 percent satire. However, the genetic makeup of the Dictator, you ask? 100 percent secrecy. To reveal anything would be a serious HIPAA violation.

8. TERMINAL ILLNESS – Perhaps hoping the citizens of New Orleans would one day erect a statue honoring him on one of the many bare pedestals he planned to leave scattered across the city at the end of his final term, former Mayor Mitch “Flyboy” Landrieu, in 2013, initiated an ambitious six-year plan to build a new, state of the art, $650 million airport terminal, to be completed in time to welcome travelers arriving for this year’s Mardi Gras festivities . Unfortunately, the Dictator’s Float built to celebrate this achievement was ready long before the Airport Terminal was. Get your barf bags ready, and enjoy what we can safely assume will be the only statue that will ever be built of old Mitch, bouncing High in the Sky above his failed Airport.

9. THE DICTATOR’S HONOR GUARD – The Dictator's Honor Guard, pays tribute to those who give the last full measure of devotion to the Dictator and his Revolution. The grim figure at the front is signaling a charge even in death, so as to vanquish either the Dictator's enemies or at least the streets of New Orleans. Desperate ilk up there.

10. INCONTINENCE – At the beleaguered S&WB, the ongoing question is: Is the water safe? Answer: Depends. This pathetic agency is setting Guinness Book records for fiscal irresponsibility, incompetence, boil water advisories that are killing restaurants, water leaks and Band-Aid and duct tape repair work. Will the new director stay or bail?

11. 20/20 VISION – No, you’re not seeing double. It’s just that there are many, many presidential wannabe contenders who have their own particular vision for election year 2020. Creepy porn-lawyer Avenatti thinks his Twitter skills and his forceful stance with women will win him the nomination. Stormy Daniels’ vision for 2020 is likely to include a spot as a featured performer at Visions, where the locals go for poll dancing. Elizabeth “Fauxchahontas” Warren is on her own spiritual vision quest guided by her 1/2020th Native American DNA. Only Election Day will tell us whose vision was clear and who was simply having visions of grandeur.

12. MAD COW DISEASE - Formerly funny firebrand comedian Roseanne Barr has lost her way in the stupidity forest, calling for more liberal tolerance, compassion and open-mindedness. What an oxymoron – emphasis on moron. Her hit show was cancelled by ABC after one of her racist slurs. Then along comes Rosie O’Donnell saying no one should be allowed to own a gun and Christianity is as threatening as radical Islam. Dr. D’Etat reminds us that Mad Cow disease causes rapid mental deterioration. Moo!

13. HERBAL MEDICINE - Red State? Blue State? Neither! Louisiana is now officially a Green State, so “everything is gonna be a’right, Mon.” Three years after the Louisiana Legislature opened the door to medical marijuana in our fine territories, 2019 will mark the opening of the first active dispensaries in the Pelican State. The Dictator honors this momentous occasion with a float providing a look at what treats legalization may bring us, including Elmer’s Heavenly Hashish, High-bigs hand pies, and a New Orleans Original Dispensary. Lead by New Orleans’ most renowned physician, Dr. Morgus the Magnificent (as joined by his trusty assistant-turned-water pipe, E.R.I.C.) the good doctors of New Orleans will soon be free to prescribe the magic herb to ease our collective pain. The Dictator abides.

14. WAHHMBULANCE - "Just needing some space" seems to have taken a turn for the absurd when colleges now provide climate controlled enclosures to ensure that timid snowflakes don't melt under the glare of real life. So much for “suck it up,” as these wilting wall flowers would rather be coddled to sooth their dysfunctional anxieties rather than risk emotional trauma by actually trying to do anything for themselves.

15. WAHHMBULANCE CHASERS - Not that they need any assistance sullying their own long tarnished reputations, but the flamboyance and bombast displayed in the current onslaught of television advertisements by plaintiff attorneys would make P. T. Barnum blush. Thank goodness we had them on-hand to take on Good-hell and the NFL for bamboozling New Orleans out of another Super Bowl, though, even if the ill-fated lawsuit had about the same chance of success as the Falcons ever winning the last game of the season.

16. DR. DO-LITTLE - Paging Mayor Cantrell...paging Mayor Cantrell... Though not roaming any hospital halls, she can instead be found roaming City Hall. Our very own Dr. Do-Little, or perhaps Dr. Do-Nothing-at-All, has proven entirely ineffective her first nine months in office. The peaceful pacifist has proudly transformed the government building into a serene, spa-like setting, encouraging employees to take advantage of stress-free days and meeting-turned-meditation rooms. If the local critters could talk, they’d echo her political strategies: "I’ll form a committee," and "delay, delay, delay!"

17. DICTATOR’S ROYAL NAVY - Avast, ye swabs, the Dictator's Revolution now takes to the high seas. Yo, ho, ho, and a barrel of rum.

18. LIFE SUPPORT - Like da House of Lee, Metry Ford, the Real Superstore, and more recently Sears and Kmart, Metairie parades have flat lined: Napoleon, Rhea, Atlas Aquila, Thor, Diana, Helois – or switched to the St. Charles route. In the land of PF Changs, drive-thru daiquiris and giant inflatable stick figure sky dancers, Jefferson parades are in ICU. Krewes and riders needed, da parish subsidizes what’s left. Can a route change inject some life or is it time to call the coroner?

19. MONTEZUMA’S REVENGE – While the Administration disparages the throngs of asylum seekers streaming towards our Southern border as some sort of wretched bile flowing from a dose of toxic agua, these travelers assert that they hope only for protection and the legal consideration of their plight allowed under Lady Liberty's laws. They became, though, unwitting pawns in a fiscally dangerous and policy devoid temper tantrum by the man-child residing at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. that shuttered the government for far too long for no good reason at all.

THE DANCING ROBBIN’ REFS – (Dictator’s Dancin’ Dawlins) - Seems a $2.6 BILLION hole in the NFL's bottom line is just enough to keep a key flag or three safely stashed in a zebra's pouch in hopes of luring botoxed butts into seats in a snazzy new superstar studded stadium in a football averse city on a fault line on the Left Coast. With what has been universally recognized as the worst no-call in the history of athletic competition, Goodell's henchmen in stripes stripped the heart out of the Who Dat Nation and dashed our dreams of another Black & Gold Super Bowl.

20. WILLFUL BLINDNESS – If a yellow flag falls in the forest, does anyone hear it? If an overly aggressive defensive back RAMS into Tommylee Lewis in plain sight, does anyone see it? Everyone; all but the blind referees. Spelled out in Braille, the NFL gloriously F-ed up, once again proving they’re “the blind leagueing the blind.” While the eye of CBS remained on the large-market LA team, Saints fans turned a blind eye to Super Bowl* LII(E).

21. AMNESIA - Fill up the funnel for this prep school party animal and your new Associate Justice of the Supreme Court. Did our buddy Brett black out or block it out? This question consumed an over-served, over-saturated America. A historically formal confirmation hearing quickly turned into the most exciting game of beer pong to date. Meanwhile, a distraught, defeated, and dismayed Lady Justice was left no choice but to drink to forget, resulting in a tipsy-ing of the scales. When all is said and (un)done, we still don’t know the truth in this “he said, she said” brewhaha. Dr. D’Etat’s diagnosis: a (un)clear case of amnesia; it’s all a little bit foggy.

22. ImpoPence - This float features Vice President Mike Pence, or as we call him-Mike ImpoPence. Whether he’s using an old fashioned chastity belt, avoiding being alone with a woman or taking a cold shower, Mike prevents any hard feelings for the women in his life. So be it if his approval rating softens or his polls are declining, VP ImpoPence keeps his flag at half-staff and his squinty eyes on the prize — POTUS in 2024. Too bad Mrs. Pence is left waiting for a prize of her own.

23. QUACKS – At least one sucker must be born every second to buy enough of these pseudo-medical “remedies” purported to treat everything from crows’ feet to tiny appendages to keep ads for these looney products streaming into our consciousness.

24. MALPRACTICE - Our Governor, John “Had his Bel rung” Edwards and the House Republicans have a standoff over the budget. Reaching the seventh special session to revolve this monetary mess, they give stalemates a bad name and shoot Louisiana to the top of the incompetence list. Hospitals, disabled people, DAs, hospitals, universities, substance abuse clinics and TOPS students haven’t a clue whether they’ll get the funds they need. Same old Dems vs.GOP political crapola.